What do you tell yourself?

I was reading some responses to last weeks radio show that I host, and someone put the in the comments words strong and fierce.  They were describing the awesome guest pastor that joined me, which is nothing short of the truth.  Upon reading this, I immediately thought, I cried this week!

Every year when I have to go for my mammogram and MRI I cry.  It’s been 7 years….and yes I still cry.

The thought of having to go through breast cancer again captivates my attention EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I used to feel like I was less of a Christian for allowing myself to feel this way, but now I view this as my constant reminder to stay on my health.

Truth be told, I missed my appointments last year for this very reason.  I did not want to feel what I felt this past week.  Here I am preaching about health to others and I was so deathly afraid of hearing bad news, that I avoided my testing for last year.

In spite of the fear, I got my mammogram last week and celebrated both at home and publicly on social media when I was cleared, but in the back of my mind, I knew I had to wait a week for the MRI test results.  I forced it out of mind for the week because me stressing about it wouldn’t change anything.  I just prayed for peace and kept it moving.  Then Wednesday happened.  When I saw my favorite doctor walk in the room,  I cried.  I needed that release, I needed to see her smile.

She seemed so worried when I cried, she asked “is everything ok?”  “Everything is great” I told her.  “My family is great, my job is great, life is great, but I need those results please”.  “Oh!  You are fine, your results are great!”

See, unless you have gone through cancer, you don’t know the pep talk you have to give yourself before this week of testing begins….. I had to prepare my self mentally on the way to the hospital.   I had say “if something is found God is faithful to get me through it again”, “at least it will be caught early”, and the infamous  “I can do this!”  None of it worked, I still cried.  I can’t say they were tears of joy, because I cried before I even received my results.

I have a loving husband, four great children, and great group of friends and family that would do anything to see my live a long and healthy life.  And while I love them all back, I cried this week.  I cried out fear, I cried the cry of relief, I cried that at this moment, I don’t have to think about cancer.